News Briefs Girl with Face Tattoo Who Won’t Make Porn Decides to Move to Eugene Man Makes Millions Selling Gluten-Free Ice Cream, Decides to Become Spiritual Guru Illegal Pot Dealers Look to Form Union, Face Opposition from Police, Actual Unions Feminist Raised as Only Child by Single Mother Says She Knows Exactly How Men Think Goat Vomit Prevents Woman without Washing Machine from Being Able to Wear Only Pair of Overalls Dreadlocked Man Tired of Living in Camper, Calls Father for Money Back to East Coast Man Picks Up That Stupid, Ugly Box Guitar from the ’80s, Decides to Start Prog Rock Band Man with Stolen Dog Helps Neighborhood Search for Other Stolen Dog Student Looks Out Apartment Window, Notices Homeless Camping behind His Fence Have Better Furniture than He Does Trust Fund Kid, Now Man, Returns to the Apartment He’s Still Renting in Eugene after 24 years Gutterpunk Ostracized for Buying Halter Top at Nordstrom Rack Man Visits Eugene for a Day, Has Conversations with Eleven Strangers, Leaves Feeling Pretty Good About Himself Iowa Woman Stops Washing Hair, Moves to Eugene, Instantly Becomes Expert on Social Justice Two Men, High on Meth, Have Electric Scooter Race Down the Street College Dropout Yoga Instructor Also Likes to Give Lessons in Advanced A&P During Her Classes Fledgling Coke Dealer Told by Older Coke Dealers Not to Start Own Landscaping Business, Too 41-Year-Old Living in His Van Is Pretty Sure He’s Marrying Material Mild-Mannered Teen Boys Remain Strikingly Mild-Mannered after Arrival of Girl Gender Fluid Cashier Gives Cold Shoulder to Cis Males They’re Forced to Ring up at Co-Op Man in Red Cape Always Holding Small Guitar Wishes People Would Stop Thinking He’s a Superhero Who Plays a Small Guitar Woman Seeks to Become Pregnant Solely for the Purpose of Experiencing What It’s Like to Become Pregnant Nomadic Girl with Three Dudes around Her at All Times Just Wants a Reliable Man Couple Forced to Witness Murder of Food’s Vital Energy via Microwave Police Hire Officers Convicted of Excessive Force in Other Metro Areas, Bullsh*t Tweaker Crime Still at All Time High Former UO Grad Strikes it Rich, Existence Suddenly Acknowledged by Alumni Association, Others