News Briefs

Girl with Face Tattoo Who Won’t Make Porn Decides to Move to Eugene

Man Makes Millions Selling Gluten-Free Ice Cream, Decides to Become Spiritual Guru

Illegal Pot Dealers Look to Form Union, Face Opposition from Police, Actual Unions

Feminist Raised as Only Child by Single Mother Says She Knows Exactly How Men Think

Goat Vomit Prevents Woman without Washing Machine from Being Able to Wear Only Pair of Overalls

Dreadlocked Man Tired of Living in Camper, Calls Father for Money Back to East Coast

Man Picks Up That Stupid, Ugly Box Guitar from the ’80s, Decides to Start Prog Rock Band

Man with Stolen Dog Helps Neighborhood Search for Other Stolen Dog

Student Looks Out Apartment Window, Notices Homeless Camping behind His Fence Have Better Furniture than He Does

Trust Fund Kid, Now Man, Returns to the Apartment He’s Still Renting in Eugene after 24 years

Gutterpunk Ostracized for Buying Halter Top at Nordstrom Rack

Man Visits Eugene for a Day, Has Conversations with Eleven Strangers, Leaves Feeling Pretty Good About Himself

Iowa Woman Stops Washing Hair, Moves to Eugene, Instantly Becomes Expert on Social Justice

Two Men, High on Meth, Have Electric Scooter Race Down the Street

College Dropout Yoga Instructor Also Likes to Give Lessons in Advanced A&P During Her Classes

Fledgling Coke Dealer Told by Older Coke Dealers Not to Start Own Landscaping Business, Too

41-Year-Old Living in His Van Is Pretty Sure He’s Marrying Material

Mild-Mannered Teen Boys Remain Strikingly Mild-Mannered after Arrival of Girl

Gender Fluid Cashier Gives Cold Shoulder to Cis Males They’re Forced to Ring up at Co-Op

Man in Red Cape Always Holding Small Guitar Wishes People Would Stop Thinking He’s a Superhero Who Plays a Small Guitar

Woman Seeks to Become Pregnant Solely for the Purpose of Experiencing What It’s Like to Become Pregnant

Nomadic Girl with Three Dudes around Her at All Times Just Wants a Reliable Man

Couple Forced to Witness Murder of Food’s Vital Energy via Microwave

Police Hire Officers Convicted of Excessive Force in Other Metro Areas, Bullsh*t Tweaker Crime Still at All Time High

Former UO Grad Strikes it Rich, Existence Suddenly Acknowledged by Alumni Association, Others